My father died when I was 19 years old, and I remember being so filled with grief and exhausted by the weight of it that I decided my grief needed an expiration date, so I set a timeline on how long I would give myself to heal fully. 

Silly me! I thought I could overcome grief by pulling out my measuring stick to assess the length of my suffering and say, “Enough is enough; you’ve spent enough time wallowing and being in a state of sorrow.” I remember just wanting to be healed already. I was so tired of the aches and pains of depression and sadness. I wanted to be freed from it.

But because healing is a journey, I ended up embarking on a path that showed me what it means to be fully human. It means we must feel some things, like heartache, pain, and suffering, in order to fully understand the depths of happiness, joy, and love. I was doing this healing thing all wrong. I was setting unrealistic goals for myself and what it looked like to heal after my father died. 

Even in my profession, I come across clients who do the same thing. We set these grand expectations that are almost impossible to achieve because we are expecting ourselves to be one-fourth human instead of leaning into who we are with everything we have and owning the fullness of our humanity. My own experiences and work as a therapist have helped me recognize that when we aim for these things, we are able to lean fully into what it means to grow, heal, and evolve. 

So, as you embark on the journey ahead to improve your mental health, here are a few realistic goals that I wish someone had taught me when I was struggling when it comes to healing:

Healing Goal #1: To allow two things to be true at once

One of the ways we limit our growth and healing is by not allowing multiple truths to exist in our reality. Life is hard, but it can also be beautiful at the same time. When my father died, although my heart was full of pain and sorrow, I simultaneously felt joy and happiness for the life he had been given and the experiences that I was able to share with him. I didn’t know how to balance the many emotions I carried so I suppressed many of them, particularly the happy ones, because it didn’t feel “appropriate” to feel them. But I wish someone would’ve been there to tell me that you are allowed to feel more than one emotion, even if those emotions feel conflicting. To tell me to let go of rigid, black-and-white, thinking and allow myself to feel all the feels. 

So here is your permission. I don’t know what you are going through but know there is no right or wrong emotion for things in life. Allow two things to be true at once and feel the fullness of what it means to be human.

Journal Prompt: What truths are you denying yourself from accepting and allowing into your mental and emotional space? 

Healing Goal #2: To become more self-compassionate during hard times

“How could I make this mistake? I’m so stupid!”

I didn’t fully understand the power of words until I started to reframe my self-talk from negative to positive and saw how my mind became clearer and my behaviors began to align more with my desires. I wish someone would’ve told me that speaking down to yourself doesn’t give you the power you need to build yourself up. I had been so conditioned to be mean to myself that I had not realized I was engaging in self-sabotage by the power of my tongue.

If you cannot show yourself compassion or grace, then you will not flourish in life. If you aren't willing to be kind to yourself, then you will not grow, heal, or evolve; you will simply stay stuck in misery and sorrow, and your mindset is to blame. Stop punishing yourself with your words and speak to yourself with gentleness and tenderness. 

Here’s a little help to get started:

• Negative Self-Talk: “I’m not good enough for this.” 

  • Kinder Self-Talk: “It’s okay. I’m doing so well on my journey, and I know I can do this.”

• Negative Self-Talk: “Why do my friendships never work out? Nobody likes me.” 

  • Kinder Self-Talk: “Everyone is not for me, and I don’t have to take rejection personally. I will meet people who like me for me.” 

Journal Prompt: What do you judge yourself for that makes your self-esteem decline? How can you reframe those beliefs or thoughts so that they can be affirmations rooted in self-compassion instead?

Healing Goal #3: To open your eyes to the little ways growth manifests

I used to think healing had to be this grand red carpet moment. A moment of arrival that would be big, bold, and loud. With time and patience, I learned that true growth happens slowly and steadily, and it is often as quiet as a whisper. 

I’m a plant mama, so I often love referring to my plants regarding how growth buds and flourishes over time. I have never had a plant bloom from a seed overnight, but I have watched my plants bloom with grace over the course of months and even years. 

When I reflect on how healing has manifested in my own life, it has been a journey of blossoming over the course of months as well as years. I am the woman I am today because of the work I put in back when I was 19. It took over a decade for me to have the wisdom, knowledge, courage and strength I hold today.

If you’re wondering how you’re progressing on your journey, here are some subtle signs that you are growing: 

• You ask more questions rather than make assumptions.

• You’ve become more aware of the things and people who drain you of your energy (bonus: and you set boundaries to protect your peace)

• You allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your emotions, not robotically telling yourself or others, “I’m fine.”  

• You don’t take other people’s actions or words personally as much as you used to. 

Journal Prompt: Take a moment today to reflect on the ways you have grown. How do you feel about yourself now compared to the past? What small changes have you noticed that have helped your healing journey? 

Healing Goal #4: To live in alignment with your truth 

One of the things I wish someone had told me back when I started my healing journey was that you will disappoint people when you make a choice to live in alignment with your truth and that is okay. You must be okay with letting people feel what they feel and not make it your obligation to change parts of yourself to make others feel more comfortable. You also have a right to live life the way you see fit and not by how others believe life should be lived. 

Journal Prompt: Where in my life have I allowed others to determine or direct my path for me? What goals would I be listing for myself that others may not approve of, but I would love for me?

When it comes to setting healing goals, it takes a lot of self-reflection and the willingness to face ourselves - in every way. So remember this, healing doesn’t have an expiration date. We are human, and our journey is a lifelong one, after all. 

Community Question: What are your healing goals? What was your biggest takeaway from this newsletter?