Signs You’re in An Emotionally Abusive Friendship
Friendships are essential to our lives, but unfortunately, not all friendships are healthy and beneficial. In this episode, l explore the signs of a toxic friendship and provide examples of disguised hostility, emotional abuse, and other common toxic behaviors that can happen in a friendship.
“Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and generally instills fear in an individual in order to control them. The individual's reality may become distorted as they internalize the abuse as their own failings”. - Psychology Today
Emotional abuse involves consistent manipulation, control, belittlement, and isolation from others.
Examples of emotional abuse in a friendship
They bully you: They make threats to harm you physically, or they are putting their hands on you and assaulting you. They engage in name-calling to tear you down. They boss you around and ensure you feel stripped of your autonomy so you can feel as if you have no control over yourself and they are pulling all the strings. You should never be afraid of your friend; if you are, this is a clear sign that this is an unhealthy friendship.
A lack of accountability: They fail to apologize for their wrongdoings, and to take it a step further, an emotionally abusive person will blame you for how they treat you. “If you didn’t make me angry, I wouldn’t have hit you or broken your stuff.” They divert accountability from themselves onto you, which is a form of gaslighting because it makes you question your actions and wonder if you are being dramatic or overreacting. If you feel guilty for wanting your friend to respect you, that is a clear sign that the relationship is unhealthy.
They give you the silent treatment: This is known as stonewalling when a person withholds communication from a relationship. Sometimes, people who become emotionally flooded during conflict may shut down and become overwhelmed with so many emotions that they struggle to articulate themselves. However, a clear sign that someone is manipulative is when they withdraw communication to leverage power over you and coerce you into doing something. This can happen during a moment of conflict; a person may say, I will not speak to you anymore until you apologize, even though they are the person who is in the wrong and should be doing the apologizing. They know you NEED them, so they will make things uncomfortable for you until you give in and give them what they want.
They isolate you from your peers: Isolation is a common tactic used by abusive individuals to gain control over others. They aim to deprive you of support and prevent you from receiving feedback that could challenge your ability to exert control. An abusive person doesn't want your friends advising you to end the relationship. Instead, they will attempt to portray your friends negatively. They'll try to convince you that your friends are jealous of your relationship. They will even gossip and tell you false or exaggerated stories, presenting themselves as a savior, someone who wants better for you and is trying to rescue you from harmful people, all while they are harming because of people who are constantly disparaging others while speaking highly of themselves.
A lack of RECIPROCITY/ONE-SIDED RELATIONSHIPS: It feels like love bombing: They love to bomb you with words of affirmation. It appears they are checking when they are filling you up with praise and waiting for the right moment to ask you for a favor. They never invest in the friendship; they are always taking, and sometimes, when called out for it, they may use manipulative tactics to make you feel for calling them out.
Disguised hostility: A friend may present themselves as supportive and caring, but underneath, they harbor negative feelings towards you. They may make passive-aggressive comments, belittle your achievements, or undermine your self-esteem. Disguised hostility can be challenging to detect, as it often comes across as subtle and indirect.
Healing from abuse in friendships
Abuse leaves in a constant state of nervous system dysregulation.
Reflect on your friendships. Are there any patterns of emotional manipulation, excessive criticism, or disregard for your feelings?
How do these friendships affect your mental and emotional health? Do you feel drained or uplifted after interacting with them?
Have you set boundaries in these friendships? If so, are they being respected or repeatedly violated?
What steps can you take to address these issues? Do you feel comfortable conversing about your feelings, or is it time to distance yourself for your well-being?
You deserve to be in healthy friendships. It’s okay to let go of people who are comfortable causing you harm.
Remember that you can have compassion for people and their pain and trauma and also do the work to protect yourself from people who are not healing from their pain and trauma. Hardship is not an excuse to harm others.
If your friends want better for themselves, they have to choose better. You do not have to tolerate abuse from a friend because of how long you’ve known them or the issues they are going through. We all are responsible for our healing.