Making Space for Grief: Mourning The End of A Friendship

Apr 14

The Reality of Friendship Loss

Grief is often associated with the loss of a loved one through death, but it can also occur when a friendship ends. Unlike romantic relationships, which have societal norms and language to define their stages, including their end, friendships lack this structure, making friendship endings confusing and hard to navigate.

What’s also worse, it s that society often downplays the importance of friendships, usually giving more importance to romantic and familial relationships. This can make the pain of losing a friendship feel overlooked or disregarded. However, it's crucial to understand that grieving the loss of a friendship is perfectly normal and valid. Friendships significantly influence our lives, and their absence can create a void that needs to be recognized and mourned.

The process of grieving a friendship is similar to any other form of grief, and it involves different stages, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Initially, you may deny the end of the friendship or feel angry about the circumstances that led to its end. You might find yourself bargaining or wishing for things to go back to how they were. Eventually, this may lead to a period of sadness or depression. Over time, however, you will reach a stage of acceptance, coming to terms with the end of the friendship and moving forward.

Why do friendships end?

The friendship was harmful and abusive: there was mental, emotional, and even physical abuse, and healing can only happen through separation.
Outgrowing each other: Friendships often evolve as we grow and change as individuals. Sometimes, we may find that our interests, beliefs, or lifestyles no longer align with those of our friends. This can lead to a natural drifting apart. It's important to remember that it's okay to outgrow relationships and allow space for new friendships that align with our current path.
One-sided effort: Friendships require effort from both parties. If only one person is consistently putting in the work to maintain the relationship, it can lead to feelings of resentment and exhaustion. In such cases, the friendship may end due to the imbalance of effort.
Poor conflict resolution skills: Every friendship encounters conflict at some point. However, the way these conflicts are handled can greatly impact the health of the friendship. Poor conflict resolution skills, such as avoidance, passive aggressiveness, or hostility, can cause unresolved issues to pile up and strain the relationship. It's crucial to learn and apply healthy conflict resolution skills like open communication, empathy, and compromise to maintain a strong friendship.

Healing From Friendship Loss

Healing from the loss of a friendship can be a challenging process, but there are several strategies to manage the grief associated with it:

Acknowledge your feelings: It’s imperative to let grief expand instead of trying to suppress it. Grief is simply a reaction to loss, and sometimes, you may even feel grief after the loss of an unhealthy friendship. This can happen because:
- You may be mourning the parts of your life that you lost in the midst of operating in a dysfunctional relationship.
- You may be grieving the loss of the positive aspects of the relationship. People are not simply bad or good; they can be both simultaneously. However, when the negatives outweigh the positives, the healthiest choice might be to leave the relationship. Therefore, we grieve for the parts of the relationship that brought us joy.
- You may also experience grief due to the changes resulting from the loss of a friendship. An ended friendship might mean fewer phone calls and text messages throughout the day and one less person to hang out with. It might even shift certain dynamics, such as how you spend holidays if your friend is considered a close member of your family.
- Allow yourself to feel the pain, sadness, anger, and other emotions that come with the loss. Don't suppress or ignore your feelings. It’s okay to mourn the end of a friendship.
Reach out to others: You don't have to go through this alone. Talk to other friends, family members, or a mental health professional about your feelings. They can provide comfort, advice, and a fresh perspective.
Reflect on the friendship: Consider what you learned from the friendship and how it shaped you. This can help you gain closure and grow from the experience.
Take your time: Healing takes time, so don't rush the process. It’s okay to take all the time you need to heal.
Forgive: When you're ready, try to forgive your former friend for their actions. This doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing their behavior, but releasing resentment and anger can be a crucial step in moving forward.